This relationship was different from the others. I knew from the very first time that he could not be the one who let me go. He came though I did not even presume that I had called him. In a cushy and warming March morning I caught sight of him for the first time. That time I found him mysterious and insoluble hence I was not afraid of anything; he barely touched me. He quasi got into me, he was taking breath with me, impregnated my thoughts and played master and servant with me. I had to let him do whatever he wanted because he really knew what I needed. My man knew what I deserve and he gave everything to me. I wanted to know more about him, but that time when the shiny clouds of happiness and unconsciousness faded away it was too late. He got into my cells, we became one and on our journey we could go only together. On that sunny March day something special surrounded me and I felt that I would not be lonely anymore. I had not been alone from quite some time already. I was swept away by him and he shaped me his own image so fast that I could not perceive. I observed us from outside. I tried to find out where the borderline between us was; where the end of me and the beginning of him was, but as we were going with the flow and all the demented mornings, excruciating nights fell to the ground, the border slowly vanished. For some months I had been searching for the answer to the question who was he before I found it. He remained undercover for a long time because he could hide his true self. Although from the first time he was Mr. Hodgkin. My cancer.
He was hiding from me just to easily bypass the reveal of his identity because he needed enough time to destroy before the great recognition. He needed that time, me too, but I was on the other side somewhere in front of myself. We were at the end of July when I got the result of my histology. I didn’t even know what to do with it. My doctor missed to inform me about… so, about almost everything. Excuse me, I’m lying. I had to make an appointment with the PET CT centre. Funny, but I didn’t know what it was, not even why I needed that. I had to be satisfied with that certain sheet of paper in which I saw his name. That was the point when I got to know that he is the one, the unrecognizable who had bound his life with mine for long months. Holding that paper was a kind of levitation in the endless and carefree unconsciousness for hours. Finally I called dr. Internet to help me and I searched his name. At that time it wasn’t a common or well-known disease in my country but undoubtedly there was the fact: cancer. Living in a dizzying summer party fever I had felt that our first meeting on that sunny March morning didn’t hold out anything irresistible for me. With all my power I wanted to use and rule the time before being stamped. I put everything in it, though the half of it would have been enough. I sat in front of the monitor and I couldn’t even take my eyes off. Hodgkin lymphoma, cancer, whatever. No one can forget this kind of moments, chanceless. I felt nothing, so called: I didn’t catch it and this beatific sentiment had been following me for so long time.
Why are we so afraid of cancer?
Countless people had been brought into my life from the first moment of living together with Mr. Hodgkin and so many impulses was affected me. I met with ill ones, recovered ones, but I have never guessed why they are so afraid. Why cancer is the worst bugaboo? Why aren’t we afraid of being hit by the bus on our way to work in a shiny, happy morning? Why aren’t we afraid of being disabled because of a car accident? The most common fear is cancer. It is a filthy, villainous pet, for sure. It isn’t as honest as an accident. Cancer’s parasitism and power mania horrify us, but that is exactly what it wants. We have our own fears everyday but the range of weapons against them is truly limited. Believing in different things helps us to fight: we believe in God’s hand, the divine providence or in consciousness, in money and power and also all of us have a special opinion about the definition of life. Thousands of ancient quotations, wise advice try to keep us on the road of control. Our lives are in our hands til the point where we can only blankly star at the empty palms because there is no real rein. We cannot control everything but fortunately we don’t need to. And also you are fake when you try to blame yourself for those things that happen without your influence.
Every single person is unique in this world even if we think sometimes that we can share certain feelings but that’s absolutely impossible. Life is really wonderful and we never know how the other feels. I will never know how much my husband loves me, how much my friend suffers during giving birth like you will never imagine how much chemotherapy hurts even if you got through it. Because it is me. This is my life, my feelings, my decisions, my goals and my devices. It is not selfishness just human nature. I’m sure about only one thing, that I’m afraid too. I’m scared every single day, but it’s not a secret and I don’t feel ashamed. I tell you, anytime. Thereby I can take myself a bit outside and I may laugh about it if it helps.
Don’t let anxiety destroy your beautiful life. Wonder is within you. You were born to this world and no matter what you got as a mission or what you have been working for in your whole life; in this conscious existance we all have only one chance. Don’t let yourself be tempted by the evil. I admit that at first I couldn’t do anything with Mr. Hodgkin. There was he and there was me. We shared the same body, destroyed it together in an unsaid agreement. It took a lot of time for me to start the recognition with the ancient method. Lots of energy were wasted to be with him, but I tried to spare some to search for the reasons. Why did he come? I wanted to know what he loves, and what the key is to make him go away after forgetting our long-lasting relationship. Don’t be afraid- awwwhhh, that was the only thing I knew. If the pressure is too strong you cannot concentrate on the goal. Believe me, he tried everything to dissuade me. He didn’t want to do anything what I planned to do. I realized that his attachment is such a strong bond that many litres of disgusting infusion is ridiculously few to unlock. He is not interested in chemistry, he wanted me. He tried to eat me because he knew what I didn’t. I called him, I needed him. When I understood it and the nature of our romance I tried to laugh at him and at me, of course. Fear makes you cripple while laugh gives you freedom. You can laugh at yourself when vomitting ice cream after chemotherepy in spite of your tears. That was the turning point when I decided to finish our strange love. I simply didn’t take him seriously.
In early childhood, at the beginning of learning how to control feelings, parents used to deprive their from the releasing joy of crying. Crying is a must, because crying is good. After that life goes easier. You don’t have to do it in front of others, but alone and let it go as long as it is needed. Let that chest break apart, let those tears and mucus become one. It is not a pathetic behaviour, it can be the biggest help for the sick soul because it heals so effectively. After letting go all that no longer serves you, you can see the world clearer.
The fact is that I couldn’t cry. I didn’t cry when I got my histology, I didn’t cry when I got the results of PET CT and, of course, I didn’t cry after the chemotherapy. My tears were falling down during the everlasting process of vomitting, that’s true but it was suffering not crying. I simply didn’t let myself understand the situation. If I had had to realize my illness it would have become true. I had been afraid of it but it happened once. I didn’t wait for it, I didn’t want it but Mr. Hodgkin didn’t let me be unconscious anymore. He wanted me fully. So he broke out like lava from a volcano. You should let it go, always let everything go. There is no big girls don’t cry. I had to learn to cry, I had to learn how to accept. Our bad romance at that point took a turn but we were so far away from the breakup.