That night was a year after when I thought that I finally let Him, the destroyer of my life, go. Of course, nothing had changed. At that time, I could cry, I wanted the advanced level, I had already got eight portions of poison during my chemotherapy. My blood vessels, my organs, my life were shattered. I survived the days in total pain, in total emptiness, in constant dizziness. Although three months had passed since the last treatment, I still didn’t go towards the finish line. So my doc was targeting a surgery and some radiotherapy. I had stopped painkillers, only weed left. At least it was natural, at least it helped. And what a quality I got! Merlin was the master. For such a long time he had been sending me the finest ingredients, but I had never met him. After the very first lights of the bong, my half-living body, suffering from vomiting and the unbearable, burning pain in my veins finally relieved which made me include his name into a prayer so many times. It was me, and my whole sick existence, and Merlin, the dealer who brought the redemption for me.
That strange constellation
At that certain night a party was held in another city where nothing else mattered just the fact that I had the chance to meet with my wizard and thank him all the good thinks he had done for me. Those happy, painless hours spent with demolishing huge sandwiches together with sausages and ice-cream. The emptiness, the lack and the fact that I couldn’t vanish Him away from life was burning inside of me. The velvety spring air caressed my face and I couldn’t wait to get high again. When I entered the bar, I was totally disappointed after realizing that Merlin was not there, but he was found upstairs. Even though we had never met before, even though I knew nothing in the world about him, just that he was the dealer, the world suddenly ceased to exist when Merlin stood in front of me. I’m not exaggerating if I say that approx. in the zero moment we were inexorably in love with each other. We tried to give some time to the formalities, but very soon found ourselves together, hidden from curious eyes. What happened between us would not be believed by anyone else, because it cannot be explained by any reason of consciousness. It went beyond all levels of earthly existence. That night the stars shone differently.
We had met somewhere
With Merlin the silence got an excitingly new meaning. We couldn’t and even didn’t want to say anything to each other, but when he kissed me, centuries ran through our souls. Both felt that was not the first time we met. We had to be together somewhere, somehow in the dimension of time. His closeness filled me with such natural calmness, he came so incredibly close to my soul that I had never experienced before. We could not put it into words, we did not need to talk about it, we lost in each other’s pure beauty, in the certainty that we were part of a higher existence and received something from life that was so precious.
We recognized each other in this life, and something that was once lost finally got its place again. We stood there, hugging each other, surrealistically and completely in love. We were kissing again and again as if we never wanted to let go of that moment. There was nothing that night, nobody, just us together. My painful emptiness and suffering wasn’t with me. I let the miracle happen because I knew the dawn would separate us once and for all.
Release number 2
If I had thought before that my rotting body and my insane feelings and thoughts had pushed me completely deep, then yes, I had to be prepared to work deeper than ever. The dawn came and took the magic. We both knew that we had nothing to look for together in this life. Recognizing this became my most painful and beautiful feeling. We met because it was written to reunite for a moment. He came because he wanted to teach me something. He had to come because he had to give me strength, faith that I could still feel, that I could still love, and the reason why I had to continue. At the same time, I felt that the unearthly love, he had given me, destroyed me and that the emptiness, he had left behind, was more frightening than I had ever expected. Sure, I had my Merlin to go and I undoubtedly believed that I could survive after that. From one of the deepest nooks of my dark soul I got a clear message that the only thing I could feel was gratitude.
After that, we have met just a few time, and not in such quality. Once, we took each other’s hands. We reconnected. It sounds childish, but if you hold a hand of someone whose existence and arrival is so inexplicable, it is a truly soul-raising sensation. In fact, it took only a few days and we returned to our old lives. I had to fight many more to see my laundry, stained by Mr. Hodgkin, getting dry in their brilliant clearness in the sun. Even though the sadness was so grievous I was closer to my dreams than I believed. I got enough power to continue. It is certainly difficult to imagine that two souls can meet for a while just to bring that relief but I have faith in it. After so many years I’m as grateful as I was at that time because he came and saved me. I got an invaluable gift but I could let him go, because in this life our story couldn’t continue with each other.