My panic

When I first heard about this simulation, about this so-called disease, I almost laughed at. Indeed. Well, what do people invite in their comfortable well-being!? And somehow, I saw feedback from everywhere in my environment that supported the view that this is something that goes to those who can’t face life, they are weak. They’re a kind of emotional waste that the good god doesn’t help. You know, like addicts, only they don’t even use drugs. They just simply panic. They sit in their room and are scared. Somehow, they are described that way. Oh, nope, don’t tell me that a sober mind can’t fight against it easily. Oh, don’t tell me that this disease is something that can ruin your whole life and despite the fact most of your friends don’t understand it anyway. You’ve probably guessed that I couldn’t escape the teaching neither. I had not been preoccupied with this topic at all for so many years, not least because I have not found anyone in my immediate vicinity, and it is almost as if it does not even exist. I got a cancer; it caught my attention for a long time. If we’re not directly involved in something, we don’t take the time to get to know it, and that’s okay anyway. But panic introduced itself to me.

It’s been a long time, as an adult, as a mother, as a happy person. I was sitting in the armchair, watching some good little series with the love of my life as my chest started to get heavy. At first, I was just moving my body to see if it would get any better. But damn, my arm was numb, and my chest squeezed, the air barely came, my body was pure cold sweat. He called an ambulance to me, but they didn’t come, saying I was too young. There was an indescribable fear of death in my mind, I had no idea what was happening to me. I could only think that my children were sleeping sweetly there, and I didn’t want to die. It was past midnight when I walked to the emergency room because they didn’t come out. Well, that’s when someone is too young. ECG, blood pressure, all right, let me go home. The next day, a GP, again an ECG, there is nothing. No symptom, no disease. Arranged all by a whisk, it was panic attack. What? Me? Well, I’m not like that!

I cried all the evening as if the chains had been torn from me, and the realization could be released to me, the knowledge that I was not well pervading my body, my soul, and my mind as well. And I finally allowed myself not to be well. I’ve had problems with that stubborn perfectionism before, but let’s not fight back! I knew it was a bit abnormal the way I wanted to meet expectations, and don’t get me wrong, not about the expectations of society or someone else, but my own. Then, however, I proved unable to jump the bar, and yes, I was practically sick of not putting the level a few inches lower. Three young children, a final exam on my neck, a dissertation, a job, and a husband who wasn’t in very good shape at that moment and who needed me to stay strong very much. I did it. I wasn’t nervous, I was doing my thing like a robot, just as I could. Because it’s not that there will be an acceptable final exam or that the windows can stay dirty, uh, no. It should be five, and the household should also be a perfect, because that’s the expectation, you know? The kids need time, I can’t take it from them, they need a happy mom. I did everything. Many people asked me how I could handle it. Hah, no way! Because I couldn’t stand it. You see, it caught me up. A panic attack came in and said stop it! You are human, you have feelings, you have needs. And I had to accept this teaching.

It came several times so as not to forget. Not always so rudely, but definitely indicating that my lifestyle would be too much again. And it’s an insidious thing too! It doesn’t beat you when you’re sick, no. Wait for you to have a rest, relax a little and bang! Comes from seemingly nothing. Behold, I thought I was strong, others believed me to be strong, meanwhile, and this whole thing had nothing to do with strength, in fact. We are simple people. If a sly bastard has come into our lives, there is a reason for it, and it is fitting to deal with it, because without love it will not go anywhere. Yes, you have to love yourself and accept that this is it now, this is how it should happen now, because you really want to protect yourself from something much worse and yell into your head to make a difference at last. Listen to it, it tells you. It gives you an ongoing and long-lasting task because you need to review your approach to virtually your entire life. And when you’re done, you’ll fill your head with theory, and you’ll experience the change in practice too. It won’t go away tomorrow, but it will be effective over time. It took me months at all to accept that it happened to me. With a new experience, I progressed richer, and maybe I tear one of the shrouds and I’m closer to the light. I have recognized, accepted, and am also working to let go. However, sometimes it comes in. It can’t just go easily, since I’ve actually been disintegrating in everything since I was a kid, and yes, I wanted to be the best in everything. And despite the recognition, the finding of the right path, I can only reinterpret myself, built with years of torturous work, with perseverance and awareness. Of course, I won’t be sitting in the front line of the cinema screen any other times. I didn’t think it could cause an attack either. I already know that. Noises, flickering lights, fast image changes, pff. You have to forget. I don’t even watch just Columbo energy level movies anymore. Have something to say, be slow, and don’t smash my senses because, trust me, it can cause physical malaise. Well, that’s it, but you can live with it. Our grandmothers haven’t had so many stimuli yet, they haven’t poured so much information on them, I try to rule out all the excesses and focus only on the essence, and often to calm down.

I realized that my whole idea was wrong and there is no difference between us. We must not label each other or even ourselves. We all get some teaching; the only question is whether we want to understand. The fact that someone is always smiling is not yet strong, and probably even sooner get a disease than the one who releases a lot of negative energy and live the life without them. It’s not good to collect it. The appearance of mental problems is growing, as in this society we are no longer mostly physically stressed. We don’t go plowing, hoeing, we don’t spend our daily lives in the open air, and life far from the peace and quiet where we could hear our own voices. We are different, yes, but strong and weak, it is very subjective to judge this. We better not do it. We are all on a different path, with different tasks and our arsenal is different. Let’s help if they ask for our help and step aside when we’re on someone else’s road without believing we know what the other is going through. We do not know. Acceptance and love can help us, nothing else. Practice it!

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