Shamans in healing

Shamans, gurus, teachers, masters, fortune-tellers, no matter what title we hang around their necks, they are the weirdos. Not by themselves, but by no means can they be squeezed into cubes according to the standards of our template world, they flow out of it, and the unknown has always been scary for man, and he does not want to know what he is afraid of. They are creatures at the center of heated debates, and both sides are sacredly convinced of his unshakable truth. Some blindly believe in them, others even deny their existence. But why does anyone get angry when the other sees it differently? Why should I persuade a fellow human being, by force or even violence, that the one from whom he expects help is a swindler? How do I know he or she really is? We are not the same, perfectly not. This is the base from which we start.
Although we are all the forms of the same eternal life. So that’s what you think of them, I might think totally different. Who cares?

After four chemos, helplessness and impatience have teamed up against me. I saw certain things, understood this and that from what was happening to me, but from there I was simply unable to move on. I’m not claiming that spirituality is far from avoided, because looking back from here on the evolution of my life, I was very open to it, only closing the door before the teachings. However, something had to be done, and then there were some nice family members who were casting their faith aside, looking for more and more opportunities for me, and then forced me to try them all because they were fighting for me. There is no fairy tale, there will be everything you may have never heard of before, but then searching the internet, you will see that millions have already commented on it pros and cons with the same vehemence. On such an occasion, I was taken to a small cottage on the outskirts of the city, because that is where the shaman lived, the man who is weird. How stupid did I look when I walked in the door? Absolutely! The house was also painted quite bizarre, with an overly minimal design that it is almost impossible to recognize what kind of room it was where this particular adventure began. Half built or already half ruined; nothing is clear. And there he stood, a middle-aged, fantastically average man. Now that I’m spinning in my head, I don’t even remember his face anymore, at all. The FBI wouldn’t cost me much. Well, once I was gone, I sat down and listened nicely all the way through that: I have digestive problems, and a lot of stress, too, ah, I was prepared for such a very nonsensical and unnecessary conversation. You know, like tabloid horoscopes, it’s ridiculous. He asked me not to say anything, it didn’t cause any problem. He just wanted to know my name and date of birth. Then he began to write on a piece of paper fished out of one of the hidden corners of the toilet with his little pencil, counting, muttering. I was blinking hard then when I could escape from there.

Then he started. No headaches, no exhaustion… Well done. He said: there is something wrong with the pericardium. I didn’t answer, he asked for that, but in the meantime, I swallowed a big one. Oh. Once it was really injured in a car accident and it took many months to recover from it. But all right, blind hen can also find eyes, may come next. He said: And the thymus isn’t okay either. Well, damn, don’t you think so? Well, I had my biggest tumor there. A tiny fear moved into me, but soon assured me I was going to heal, I just had to tidy up my mind. He wanted to help with this and asked me to stop eating meat and forget about all forms of violence. So, my sins from my previous lives were about to be solved, he put his hand on my back. It was cold in the room, I was sitting in a jacket, but I could even feel his hands being hot through it. I didn’t understand, but I left. He then asked me to visit him another time because the workflow was long. Yeah, sure, I would think about that. And really, I was still thinking about it for about ten years before I understood what the hell happened to me at the time. When we got out, we got in the car, wondering at once how many hours it was. I felt like roughly forty minutes, no more at all. We spent three hours inside. Don’t ask where the time went, I don’t know either.

I went back to him in a week. He built an energy-collecting pyramid in his garden, or something like that, there were mirrors everywhere, really weird place, but I went, driven by curiosity. There were several of us sitting there. Uncle shaman chanted and told us stories. In his view, the gods of all religions are one and the same, no matter what body we imagine. God doesn’t have a certain body, because he is everything. Lives in all animals, plants and humans. When I bumped up to the pyramid, a woman came with me who coughed non-stop, but not once inside. Later we also walked out to the bus stop together, then she was roughly tormented again. Lung cancer. She was just fighting her fourth type of cancer. All the existing dirt had already been pumped through her, she had been scattered by the operations, radiated, given all the shit, and behold, it had come again for the fourth time, just elsewhere. She said he sucks the whole thing, she won’t be cured by the doctors. She goes into the pyramid and because of the energy she felt better. That’s all that matters.

It really matters because no one will know better from you what is helping you. Whether something is not measurable with instruments, or because it is not socially accepted, is not yet bad or worse than the other method, it is just different. Many times, we just miss a push to have faith in healing and desperately, not regretting money for what will be good for us at last. We are also swords on this subject because there is truly an immeasurable sea of ​​disgraceful money-seekers who want to iron wealth on the sick, but let us separate them well. If someone really has god-given miraculous abilities, then he will not want to get rich on you, and that can be recognized quite factually. It would be so good not to even argue about this, but just to let us go our own way and find solutions. Because the answers to our questions are really in us, but to be able to conjure them up, we may already need help. Whether the drugs will be either a psychologist or a shaman, minerals, herbs, energy magic, UFOs or dinos, it doesn’t matter perfectly. What works for me may will not work for you. We do not judge the method from that yet, since it is objective, but we are different. So let us try not to look down on our peers if they do not swear by  the sacred chemotherapy or lifelong medication, but try to get there in other ways, where they have lost their ability to orient themselves in the world. Support each other in healing and believe. It doesn’t matter what it is, support strongly. And it doesn’t matter who we turn to for help, because if we do, we’ve already realized we need help, and that’s more than good. This is the only way to heal. You need self-knowledge first, and you know love, too. We will find the man who leads us without losing ourselves in the meantime and get the chance to find the real self we may have hidden from ourselves for many years. If you step into this adventure, you will later realize that all you have is this certain moment. Nothing else. If you live in this moment, if you don’t identify yourself by your body or your mind, you will wake up. And once if you are already conscious, you will be able to heal yourself by the power of eternal love.

Struggling through chemotherapy

I can’t tell you how others are going through the treatments. I can’t even say at all how you should do it. The only thing I can do to help, on a strictly non-medical basis, is to tell you what it was like to be stuck in a life burning in flames of poison and pain. Maybe I bring a smile to your face when you need it most.

Before
By that I mean the day you are going to get the brand-new treatment, because the rest is rather the afterparty phase. For me, the forerunner, the breeze of the next treatment was like a hurricane in my face, trying to make me aware – oh yeah – you’re going to Room 101, where you will be tortured by personalized and selected methods. It wasn’t a heart-warming feeling to think about the desire to get free from the room where the walls were decorated by expressionless faces of my suffering companions. When you know well before the action that you are going to hurt, that you will be afraid of hurt, and let’s not say, God damn, you’re going to vomit back the whole set of infusion, well, this is something an average person wouldn’t pay for. It is impossible to prepare for it because you can never be sure what will happen next time. I’d say it’s just like gambling, but here you really lose all the dazzling prizes, you can only choose from the many bad ones. But it doesn’t matter, you can do it.

Morning
I always woke up on time because if I didn’t hurry there was no bed and I didn’t want to sit in a chair for six or eight hours. Of course, later, the floor next to the toilet also seemed to be perfect, but at the beginning I went there with such luxury demands. I took an anti-emetic, which never worked, but if it has to be taken, then it must be taken. Light breakfast, maybe at first, then getting lighter with time, and hop, finally I couldn’t eat anything at all. This is not an advice. You shall eat! Okay? It just wasn’t for me. I should have had a drink, but I couldn’t. Start. At first, I was very cool, went by bus. Then the car was left, of course the driver wasn’t me. Conversation barely, I found it hard to hide that I am fucked by fear and we don’t like to say out loud something like that.

Arrival and there
A quick blood test to see if I’m sexy enough from the inside for another treatment. Yeah, okay, lay down, let’s start. If we found the vein, we were happy. They are usually damage, everywhere. I loved the precious souls of my hematology assistants who were all day preparing the patients to get the infusion and they were highly professionals. One of them could pierce so good that her name was mentioned in our prayers. When my body did not take the cannula at all, the small winged needles remained. Somehow it had to be injected. The intravenous anti-emetic came. I wouldn’t say it ever helped. Already the first drops of chemotherapy were biting my arm, all the way up to my shoulders and further. Many times, I was thinking about that I could see my vasculature in front of me because I felt everything. Strange pain, unlike anything else.

I have no good ideas for the boring, hours-long lying down. You have to experience what will work for you. For me, hm, almost nothing. I had company, I had only two treatments alone, luckily, he accepted the vision of half-living myself. But you shouldn’t expect too much. Once my brother and his girlfriend accompanied me. I was hoping that they would be entertaining, distract me, and then it might not hurt so much. The rack came, carrying the two buckets of muck to fill me up. Needle inserted, then blown vein. My brother was pale, twisted his eyes, his head. White face, I sent him out. He thanked. Needle again, then blown vein again. Girlfriend was tough, she could do it. Needle again, the third vein couldn’t stand that neither. I jumped out of bed, the needle flied, and my girlfriend fell into my bed. She fainted, I laughed so much. What an escort! I sent them home. They came for me when I was done. It’s worth counting on. If you carry someone who loves you, they may not be able to watch you suffering. And yet, to be alone is not good. It is very difficult to stay positive alone, especially since, in my experience, there is no big “happy little church of positive people” during the treatments.

During the first chemo, I was thinking about reading a good book if I had that much time while that sea of disgust was dropping. Yeah, for the second time I laughed at myself for that. I didn’t read. Once I tried to watch a movie to see if it would work. Yeah, no. Nothing distracted my attention. After a while, it was no longer worth thinking about it, because I was vomiting endlessly. It would have been nice to drink water or anything to get that bad drug taste out of my mouth, but I couldn’t, just a little tea at the end when we were saying goodbye, but nothing before. I would have liked to crunch something during the many hours just to have at least something to throw up, but oh, that was a total foolishness too. So, believe in yourself, it’s not easy to be more awkward than me!

And the moment I first, you know, left myself during the treatment is unforgettable. Probably there cannot be enough years or even lives to vanish these memories. I stood up and I was immediately ordered to sit down because it wasn’t allowed to pull your little rack while trying to beetle from the ward, no way. There’s the kidney bowl. I definitely felt that I did not attend that certain princess training course what taught me that. So, I was forced to outline my concern that even the thought of it was completely ridiculous that I would strike home. I assured them that, that my vomit is like a truck approaching one hundred and twenty miles an hour and when it could reach that tiny bowl, six cleaners would disinfect the floor, the wall, and the next bed with the patient lying on it. They believed in me, and so could take my final shelter, the toilet, with dignity.

pic edited by canva

Chemotherapy- introductory thoughts for survival

If destiny sentenced you to fight against your cancer, then you should be well-prepared in advance so that you do not act like me or many others do. When my first chemo was prescribed for me, I thought I would get answers to all my countless questions from my doctor, because, admit it, movies are here or there, you have no idea what’s really going to happen to you. This is not a matter of secrecy, it is about everyone experiencing it differently, but it will not be different only from one person to another, even from one treatment to another. One gets better, the other gets very bad. So, I summed here what experiences I gathered during my trials.

Eat smart!


Cancer is in a very good relationship with carbohydrates, and yes, you also need them to survive, but you’d better be comfortable with the idea that now is the time to reform your whole lifestyle. Forget the sugar, you don’t need it. When you see, or have already seen, the tumor cells on the PET CT are illuminated, it is caused by a contrast substance that is sugar and is adored by your cancer. So, if you don’t love your cancer, don’t give it to him. In this short paragraph, it is impossible to incorporate the knowledge you need, but it is important that you pay attention to yourself. Leave the processed foods and just about anything you don’t know about the ingredients. Of course, in your place, I would also consider whether I want to eat meat yet, because chemo will keep your uric acid in the sky, don’t add further projects to your body.

Drink water!


Forget sugary soft drinks and purify yourself with water, you know, a big percentage of your body is from that. When you realize how much poison is being irrigated into you, make it your goal to remove it from yourself, as much as you can. If anyone had said that to me at that time, I’d certainly bet, but they didn’t say anything. And I didn’t even want to think about it because I kept vomiting. I didn’t work on the input side at all. Keep the coke only for limescale in the bath and pour in the vitalizing water before, during and after the chemo. You will not be thirsty because they are saturated with a lot of medication infusions, though in a rather sick way. Don’t worry about it, be tough and drink water for yourself.

Water will not be your best buddy only because it hydrates you, but also because it cools. After the treatments, there may be a rise in heat and fever and basically this will cause your body to become heated. You must not continue to destroy it. The heat can come from your surroundings: no sauna, no thermal bathes, and set the tap at home only to slightly warm. Also avoid foods and spices that produce heat, such as ginger, cinnamon or chili.

Do sports!


I always had to do something between treatments. Was it advised? Oh no. I went to the gym. I was ridiculous, yes, but I didn’t care. I took the treadmill and struggled with the miles. Sometimes I ran outside, but there the ego didn’t let me go. I was slow as a rheumatic snail, though I should have seemed like a 22-year-old, vigorous woman. If not jogging, then I went swimming. Of course, there was a risk of infection, but I decided it wouldn’t be a problem. It worked. The pool water was disinfected not with chlorine but with active oxygen, which I was delighted with. I counted the lengths and got into a kind of meditative state. It was just the pleasantly cold water and me, and my thoughts were resting outside the dressing room. I really had time to put my problems on after relaxation.

The hair problem


Specifically, I did not completely lose all my hair, but it strongly and spectacularly thinned out. I cut it off and painted it. When, if not now? I had never painted before, but it didn’t matter then. After every wash, the tub was full of my shimmering sea of ​​hair. Was I worried? No. I was going to get a very rough wig for myself. You must let go of this too. It’s just hair, and you’re fighting for your life. Then, when you are better, you will get curly curls that even just a pro hairdresser can do. Be careful to avoid chemicals, so you should free your life from chemicals as much as you can. Wash your hair with a smooth herbal soap and you can even bathe with it. If you don’t have a shower gel, no shampoo, you’ll see you don’t need a lotion, but if you buy one, look for eco-green departments. Not depends on wealth, you can live a healthy life cheaply too. No washing powder, use washing soda for example. Think about it, get plenty of information, read them through carefully, and start tidying up nicely in this area. It’s good for your hair and your scalp to use herbal wraps, but be careful not to overheat your head, so reduce the use of hairdryers, hair straightener.

Pain Relief


I can’t tell you how much it will hurt you, since my first treatment I had a lot of pain in my arm and the pain was intense for a whole year after the last one. If I remember it a bit, it immediately comes to mind. I got everything, got used to it, I stopped. The next one came, it didn’t help, nothing helped, so if I can save you a ride, you won’t start experimenting with painkillers. I also got the rough stuff my doctor gave me from her secret kit, it didn’t work, even though I took it four times as much as recommended. I became stupid, dizzy, and the burning pain was there with me. Only the ancient method, the God-blessed hemp, recognized by more advanced societies, brought relief. Pharmaceutical companies also recognize it, but what if you were to produce some green for yourself, they would rather synthesize its active ingredients into medicine. Just to buy them, you know. Not only did it work by eliminating what the painkillers were unable to do, but it also brought appetite and cheer. I needed them so much. Yeah, and I didn’t become an addict.

Postscript


As much as I vomited, I would not wish anyone. That way I got to the point where I was already sipping ice cream between two vomits. It was cold and sweet when it came outside. I was disgusted by the smells, the sunlight disturbed me terribly, it almost hurt. You can’t help it. My skin was drying all the time, my muscles were tearing down, and I was avoiding sex in the big arc. The system did not recover long after the treatments.
I could tell tremendously lot about these things, and you know what, I will. The only thing I followed was to pay attention to what was going well. Do not exaggerate anything or be irresponsible. And that’s just a part of you can do for yourself from the outside.

pic from pixabay.com

Look deep down in your eyes

You don’t have to read a lot of from Freud or watch psychotherapists to see that we are not perfect. It doesn’t really matter how much our parents loved us, how much velvety are the memories uprising from our childhood, we know exactly that all of us were damaged somehow. If not at home, then in kindergarten or in school. If not even there, then surely there was a grandfather, an uncle, someone who left a sign in ourselves and did it mostly in a bad way. That’s it. We’re all human.

Who lives, then gets hurt too. It is correctly claimed that we learn from these things, but it isn’t taught how to handle these perceived and real grievances, indignities. Not everyone knows where to go, whom to say. So often the situation is too hard to live it through this is why we usually can’t share these problems with others. Suppression is such a tiny little thing, no one is needed as a company, we can do it pretty well alone. However, in this perfectly enlightened world the wisdom of not suppressing anything quite often come to us. Do not let these negativities poison you. Then what to do?

Be honest with yourself!

This game starts with a firm conviction that you are not better than the others. It seems like that, I know. We all believe that we know for sure. If you succeed in believing that you are a fallen man, you will help a lot. Then something new is starting. You can get to know yourself, which can be an incredibly painful journey, but nobody can do it instead of you. Have you ever wondered about why it is so hard to check your reflection in the mirror sometimes? You can lie to many people, and there are some who upgrade their everyday masks to almost perfect, but they all have to face with themselves finally. Your make-up should be washed and your fake smile should rest a bit after wearing them all day long. And then you are the only one who stayed. This is why the nights are so frightening. During the hours of darkness our demons come even if we don’t recognize them at first, they know us extremely well. Their massages are important and “must listen”. The dark passengers are taken with ourselves and the only way to get rid of them is to admit their existence. So let’s meet with your special dark side. We have to understand who he is and why he is here with us. We also need to know why we are not allowing him to go, because he basically doesn’t insist on us, but we on him, even if we are trying to suppress his imaginary power with all our strength. He has his power until we let it and the size of this power only depends on what we created for him. Ask him where he came from and what he wants!

Say it!

If you choose this journey some obstacles may arise just to unsure you. If you pay enough attention, you will come to the point that any obstacle will truly protect yourself. Old grievances, agonizing memories, wounds believed to be forgotten are all struggling to not revive them. They do everything, really do everything, that you do not want to relive them, do not want to look for reasons, and most of all do not look for answers, because in this process at first there is much more pain than joy. Liberation and relief are just for those who survive the suffering at the beginning. One of the most difficult things is to be honest to ourselves. If we can practice this in everyday life, we will be better people and more tolerable for ourselves, it’s guaranteed.

If we can draw up in every life situation what we think and why we say, my friend, success is yours, for sure. If you can recognize and handle all what are hidden behind your instincts and passions, life with yourself will be much easier. To do this, you have to say out (loud) everything. Everything. At first, only for yourself. To this phase not anyone would be involved. If you need to, then choose a professional. I mean a psychologist, psychiatrist, therapist, shaman, yogi- they are absolutely not just for mentally ill and retarded people. No. Whatever we call them, they can help if you can’t help yourself. This is not a weakness. You just have to be honest with yourself and admit if you feel that you will not be able to cope with the certain problem alone. If you trust someone during your journey, it is a holy gift, not a shame. The goal is to talk about those things that are deep down, even hiding over your consciousness. Sometimes you simply have to laugh at yourself. It helps.

After you say them, all the pain seems to be a little, may be just a tiny little but farther away from you. It can happen that after letting them go away, you won’t feel the heaviness and you will realize how funny is your point of view. No one says that introspection ignores humour. You can tell, if you want to, that you were a bit idiot. The point is to stay honest, the most sincere. There is no reason to lie to yourself. Sooner or later the truth would come back to you if you skipped this rule. It’s possible that a constant headache or even a peptic ulcer would shout it loud. You can’t hide the truth. It is in you.

Talk!

When you recognize the need for self-knowledge, you will start talking about it involuntarily. It’s a wonderful, liberating feeling that you want to share it. You see, I do that too. It’s a pure multi-level marketing. It infects you and you think you will get a commission if you involve others in the party. In fact, it is only about that these things cannot be said enough. When you experience how wonderful it is to get on well with yourself, you feel you have to show it to others. This may be the new lines of the song: if you get on well with you, clap your hand… But really. Talking is good. You need to talk. As an outsider or watcher of your life you can see, hear objectively those things that are just in your mind or in your soul, and it is highly needed. A good conversation brings us together and bring you closer to your real existence. You should talk about your feelings even if you were mightily taught to hold them inside. Do not believe them because those suppressed thoughts, feelings will begin to co-operate with each other, and they find a place of assembly in your body. From your ignorance they will build a revenge army and attack you. Yep, they can create a serious disease for you and if you don’t get on well with you and you don’t know yourself enough, then you won’t understand what is happening to you. However, you are never really outside of your body, not even when you want to believe it. You are in. You are all your cells. So, free them from the oppressive darkness!

Let it go!

Now you know how you are. You know, you have to do the right thing in this life. You have learned that your feelings belong to others. You’ve met the forces inside you and you recognized the ability to change. It’s time. No, no one really does it for you. Throw every shit out of your soul and your mind that you don’t need in your new life. You don’t need to get involved in unnecessary, energy-shattering relationships, even if it’s your family. Nobody has a perfect family. In this single life, surround yourself with people you love to spend time with, and whom you can give with pure heart. They are needed and they need you.

The focus is on mutuality. Obviously this is not a business, but you already know that you can’t give from yourself more than you are, so don’t even try. Release everything from your life that does not take you forward. You already know who you really are, and you have also realized during your journey who are standing next to you, with who you can experience the magic feeling that you are living and you don’t need to be different than you are. Because you are beloved. It moves the world: love. So, let it flow!

photo from pixabay.com

Our spiritual shoes

Every time I see you, every time you hide into my sense and I hear your name, love arises into flames like it hasn’t happened before, like I haven’t met you before: new shoes. Whenever you can come towards me everything starts from the beginning. It doesn’t really matter what you look like: you can be comfy trainers or glittering platforms. It doesn’t matter how expensive you are, because not your price makes your value. I don’t care where I will find you, even if you are a pearl of a mall or a second-hand shop’s queen, because all your secret is that you are new. A prey. I have to get you.

Why do I need you so much?

The question of why shoes define me hasn’t come up for so long. I didn’t want to put any philosophy into my shoeshopping because it was a pleasure in itself, it didn’t need any explanation. You simply notice them, and the feeling burns you down that without them you probably can’t live futher. You can’t wear anything because that certain item is out of your stock and you want it. Anyway. That is the opportunity and it will never come back, so you must get them and that’s all. And a flash sale, aawwhh, need them. And if it is not, it doesn’t matter. It is a must for you, because a voice is howling from deep inside. See, these shoes are so beautiful, and there is the case when they are so ugly that they are beautiful. You know it. Those patterns, look at that colour! You will solve everything in my soul, just come home with me. Don’t bother if I will never wear you or even love, but you will stand in the queue because you have a special teaching for me.

Psychotherapist shoes

I haven’t bought shoes from passionate love for some years, only when needed. That is a totally different world with viewpoints and with conditional love. Very similar to a longlasting relationship, because passion is not enough, you have to be a bit more adult with more special requirements. We are planning for a long term together. Last week I had to go to a shop and buy a bad romance. I was ashamed on my way home. I didn’t need it, I didn’t have money for it, but it gave me a slap to wake up and see that there is something wrong inside. Something made me satisfy a bitter sweet urge filled with deep repentance and I totally lost control over sanity. That dark blue platform was stronger than me. It came along with me because it brought a message about the fact that I had tried to push something deep in myself. I was not good at troubleshooting the plugging as at preventing the problem. So I had to sit down in front of the blue beauty and ask it what it wanted. How could it get me to bring it home when I didn’t need it at all. More precisely the object of my need wasn’t it, but in the absence of myself I had to negotiate with it. It said I had lost. That was the truth, but I was afraid of admitting it. I got into a certain kind of situation what was absolutely unknown for me and I was scared I wouldn’t be able to meet the requirements. My requirements. A burning love was awakened by the shoes.

The main reason why I need you

Life gives us profuse ideas about why we need to get a new pair of shoes. Partners, lovers, preys, reflections of the misery of our souls. During the chemotherapy I didn’t want anybody around me except my family. I didn’t want anybody to see, see through or even slightly suspect what it was about. No one could get the chance to be a part of my suffering. I only needed time to get to know myself and find the most suitable resolution. From the very first moment I knew that it would be a painfully lonely journey. I was prepared not take anyone, no one could accompany me. I went to a long and insanely difficult terrain, but I bought a pair of professional hiking boots, definitely. That period from the beginning of our strange love with Mr. Hodgkin to our breakup brought seventy pairs of shoes into my life. I wanted all of them because they made me a woman. I didn’t dare to look in the mirror, I wasn’t beloved, I couldn’t make myself attractive, so I could give so many roles to my shoes. I needed them so much. Every single shoe was meant for patching my torn soul.

There is no obstacle

My never-existing doctor was born to a highly empathic woman, so she called me to control only three days after the chemotherapy. Simply because she had never been there when I got that shit into my veins. It doesn’t matter, does it? Nothing special, I only had cancer. She wanted to see me therefore I went to the hospital. I could bear the bus ride. Like a well-qualified beagle I felt that disgusting smell in the air at the gate of the hospital. I hadn’t beleived the legend of being able to smell clearly those chemicals from a hundred metre, but that was the truth. So I swallowed and went in. After two sentences she let me go. With rage, anger and with a desperate feeling of fainting I needed to find a shop. That certain shop which was close to the hospital, so I had to walk only a few hundred metres. I was chanting that I was ok, everything was all right. It wasn’t. I entered the shop and meet with a new pair of shoes. I hadn’t had that kind before, you know, I wanted. Awakening from the first sparkles of love I saw that the world started to blur around me. I paid and run out to the fresh air. Not far from the door I found a hiding playground between some huge blocks of flats where I planned to sit down for a while. I failed. A nice little sandbox from the era of socialism was the witness of my vomitting into a dustbin. My tears were falling. Some workers were preparing for their breakfast just a few metres away on a bench. I didn’t even try to smile. After wiping my mouth I bought another pair of boots in another shop. Holding those boots I travelled home and hoped I wouldn’t vomit the whole bus.

Goodbye, glass slipper!

After finishing our extreme romance with Mr. Hodgkin I started to live the real life and I slowly realized that the outlines of my existence were no longer drawn by shoes. I love them nowadays too, but everything went into its appropriate place in my soul and there is no stirring urge to buy a new one. A certain part of my shoes were never on my feet. Some years ago I could give them away from a pure heart. I know they just wanted to help me when I held high, but I just went deeper. I know they just wanted to fill the gaps in my soul I might not have admitted to myself. Finally they couldn’t fill just brought some light into my darkness. Only we can cope with our own demons whatever we wear on our feet.

photo from pixabay.com

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