Blinded by the past

Not a day goes by without warning myself of the ancient wisdom that was formulated in thousands and thousands of ways by those who truly understood the essence of great things: we must let go of the past. We have nothing to look for there anymore. It cannot define us, it cannot infiltrate into the present, it cannot decide on the future, it has no real power over our lives. Yet we tend to look for answers there in spite of all their futility, and we find ourselves so easily that we want to be smart again in the past, even though, let’s face it, it’s unnecessary. Our time travel abilities are still stuttering at the level of sci-fi, so we’d better accept the fact that we can’t change it. The only key in our hands is to accept it as what it is and to shape our attitude to be acceptable and livable for us as well.

We understand, we know that we have to move forward, and so neither walking, cycling, nor driving a car is efficient if we are constantly looking backwards, because that way we see nothing of either our present or the road ahead. We are handcuffed, tied up, made incapacitate by the lack of turning our heads forward. And when we think of driving, we can clearly see the pattern that we can only deal with the very present moment in a meaningful way. This is how we should look at our lives somehow. There is only this exact moment right here, only the present. The past is gone, the future is completely uncertain, but here, at this moment, there are plenty of opportunities for us to dare to live. Let’s take advantage!

Why do we insist so much on what is no longer there? Oh yes, there can be a number of reasons for this, from the very sore to the easier escape routes. We can cling to our past because we know it, and that predictability can be captivating, but you already know that this is also the wrong way to go. There are those who have gone through terrible traumas and can’t break away from it, life is just a distorted pain for them, and the joy, the balance is as unattainable as Hollywood star dudes for teenage girls. External help is simply needed here. And we don’t have to believe that only American soldiers live with such traumas. Many of our little countries are also filled with souls suffering from miserable conditions; who do not know where to go next, and the miraculous, rainbow sky of their only life is covered by impenetrable gray clouds through which the life-giving sunlight can hardly pass. They run into dimming, survival, but there is no breakthrough. Here the grip of the past is so strong that it is incomprehensively hard to change alone.

However, it is also so powerful when we are the victims of a relationship from which we feel there is no escape. Bad, yet somehow familiar, and the unknown, even if it promises change, somehow, we can’t believe it. Unfortunately, it is often heard that victims cannot specifically break out of this role because they somehow feel neither worthy nor strong enough to dare to move on. The mind is very complicated, it is difficult to scour it out. It can be worth gold if we have a potent, reliable outside observer who can guide us with love. Let us just accept that we are social beings, and asking for help does not reveal our weakness, but the strength with which we are preparing to start our journey on the path of change.

Grief, a divorce, a breakup, or any other new life situation also crushes us. Because we cease to be who we were, and the unknown is always scary. We need to redefine our own existence, which is not an easy task. And such a very recognizable pain of the present makes us quite dull, and we flee to where everything was still beautiful, where we still found the balance that was lost in this present. And even if the present is empty, let’s just say many times that always, everything changes. At the same time, we also accept that we can’t simply level up. Sometimes we have to go through all the phases of pain in order to get ahead. But also be aware that you are always ahead, even when you are really hopeless.

When we analyze the past, our most pleasant feeling is nostalgia. It is also a deceptive, mischievous goblin, but if handled well, we can turn it to our advantage. We simply like to recall the past with our friends and family, especially when we remember really beautiful experiences together or even alone. For me, it is my sin. Ever since I can write, I have written a diary, written poems, written short stories, novels, thousands of letters. And I kept them all. Sometimes I took them out, analyzed them, maybe even more often than I should have. I was able to relive the memories in their reality at the time, in their pure and unsophisticated nature, because what I described then could not be altered by the memory. For years, I watched as the events of my past pretty slowly tied their chains to me, and it was their current subjectivity that became the actual objectivity in the present tense that sought to define me. I began to feel like I was living in a real dream world, like in a girl novel of the last century. I longed for adventure, for drama. Maybe the stories weren’t written by the present anymore, but I created them as if I had written plays. Many times my writings have come true in some form. And as a kid, as a teenager, they made a big impact on me. It took a long time for me to decide not to write a diary anymore.

When I got sick, I would have been able to describe everything I went through because then I would have had to relive the whole thing and I couldn’t stand it. I didn’t forget a single moment. I was unbearable for myself too, and yes, I had to be born again. All I had was put it on its way because it led me to where I was struggling with cancer amid dense vomiting and devouring pain. I actually got off the road and it shouldn’t have happened. I let go of love. It hurt even more when I learned about the road I was racing down from my writings years later, now as an outside observer, even though I didn’t even notice. Then. Today, I think I have filled my life — even with violence — with so much experience, pain, passion, and the pursuit of dreams because in this way I can write them down. writing is no longer necessary for me to avoid losing my thoughts, memories. I write because I have received feedback several times over the years that maybe sometimes, somehow, I can pass on something to others from the many experiences, the love I have received.

It’s also time to finally get rid of my old diaries, my letters. I didn’t think I would ever do that. My clinging to the past, so that no one could take it from me was much stronger than me. Now, however, I threw everything out with a calm heart. Not with anger, not with force, but with happy ease. They had to go already. Everything I’ve ever longed for is here, in my present. They helped me a lot to get to know myself, to see a path, but I also know that I won’t go that path again. I learned from it and I go ahead.

The past has influenced me sometimes, but I’m already trying to keep it under control and believe that I’m changing, too. I am no longer the one who I was ten or even twenty years ago. After all, I grew up, I studied, and I am constantly learning. I try to become more open and live the present. Consciously. Because I all that have is as much as you have:  our present. It doesn’t hurt for us to hide in a velvety warm blanket of nostalgia on a pleasant summer evening, but it shouldn’t get any closer. It doesn’t matter if it was cruel or just wonderful, because that past is no longer with us. We’re just here. Let us experience the beauty of every day that dawns on us again.

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