Blinded by the past

Not a day goes by without warning myself of the ancient wisdom that was formulated in thousands and thousands of ways by those who truly understood the essence of great things: we must let go of the past. We have nothing to look for there anymore. It cannot define us, it cannot infiltrate into the present, it cannot decide on the future, it has no real power over our lives. Yet we tend to look for answers there in spite of all their futility, and we find ourselves so easily that we want to be smart again in the past, even though, let’s face it, it’s unnecessary. Our time travel abilities are still stuttering at the level of sci-fi, so we’d better accept the fact that we can’t change it. The only key in our hands is to accept it as what it is and to shape our attitude to be acceptable and livable for us as well.

We understand, we know that we have to move forward, and so neither walking, cycling, nor driving a car is efficient if we are constantly looking backwards, because that way we see nothing of either our present or the road ahead. We are handcuffed, tied up, made incapacitate by the lack of turning our heads forward. And when we think of driving, we can clearly see the pattern that we can only deal with the very present moment in a meaningful way. This is how we should look at our lives somehow. There is only this exact moment right here, only the present. The past is gone, the future is completely uncertain, but here, at this moment, there are plenty of opportunities for us to dare to live. Let’s take advantage!

Why do we insist so much on what is no longer there? Oh yes, there can be a number of reasons for this, from the very sore to the easier escape routes. We can cling to our past because we know it, and that predictability can be captivating, but you already know that this is also the wrong way to go. There are those who have gone through terrible traumas and can’t break away from it, life is just a distorted pain for them, and the joy, the balance is as unattainable as Hollywood star dudes for teenage girls. External help is simply needed here. And we don’t have to believe that only American soldiers live with such traumas. Many of our little countries are also filled with souls suffering from miserable conditions; who do not know where to go next, and the miraculous, rainbow sky of their only life is covered by impenetrable gray clouds through which the life-giving sunlight can hardly pass. They run into dimming, survival, but there is no breakthrough. Here the grip of the past is so strong that it is incomprehensively hard to change alone.

However, it is also so powerful when we are the victims of a relationship from which we feel there is no escape. Bad, yet somehow familiar, and the unknown, even if it promises change, somehow, we can’t believe it. Unfortunately, it is often heard that victims cannot specifically break out of this role because they somehow feel neither worthy nor strong enough to dare to move on. The mind is very complicated, it is difficult to scour it out. It can be worth gold if we have a potent, reliable outside observer who can guide us with love. Let us just accept that we are social beings, and asking for help does not reveal our weakness, but the strength with which we are preparing to start our journey on the path of change.

Grief, a divorce, a breakup, or any other new life situation also crushes us. Because we cease to be who we were, and the unknown is always scary. We need to redefine our own existence, which is not an easy task. And such a very recognizable pain of the present makes us quite dull, and we flee to where everything was still beautiful, where we still found the balance that was lost in this present. And even if the present is empty, let’s just say many times that always, everything changes. At the same time, we also accept that we can’t simply level up. Sometimes we have to go through all the phases of pain in order to get ahead. But also be aware that you are always ahead, even when you are really hopeless.

When we analyze the past, our most pleasant feeling is nostalgia. It is also a deceptive, mischievous goblin, but if handled well, we can turn it to our advantage. We simply like to recall the past with our friends and family, especially when we remember really beautiful experiences together or even alone. For me, it is my sin. Ever since I can write, I have written a diary, written poems, written short stories, novels, thousands of letters. And I kept them all. Sometimes I took them out, analyzed them, maybe even more often than I should have. I was able to relive the memories in their reality at the time, in their pure and unsophisticated nature, because what I described then could not be altered by the memory. For years, I watched as the events of my past pretty slowly tied their chains to me, and it was their current subjectivity that became the actual objectivity in the present tense that sought to define me. I began to feel like I was living in a real dream world, like in a girl novel of the last century. I longed for adventure, for drama. Maybe the stories weren’t written by the present anymore, but I created them as if I had written plays. Many times my writings have come true in some form. And as a kid, as a teenager, they made a big impact on me. It took a long time for me to decide not to write a diary anymore.

When I got sick, I would have been able to describe everything I went through because then I would have had to relive the whole thing and I couldn’t stand it. I didn’t forget a single moment. I was unbearable for myself too, and yes, I had to be born again. All I had was put it on its way because it led me to where I was struggling with cancer amid dense vomiting and devouring pain. I actually got off the road and it shouldn’t have happened. I let go of love. It hurt even more when I learned about the road I was racing down from my writings years later, now as an outside observer, even though I didn’t even notice. Then. Today, I think I have filled my life — even with violence — with so much experience, pain, passion, and the pursuit of dreams because in this way I can write them down. writing is no longer necessary for me to avoid losing my thoughts, memories. I write because I have received feedback several times over the years that maybe sometimes, somehow, I can pass on something to others from the many experiences, the love I have received.

It’s also time to finally get rid of my old diaries, my letters. I didn’t think I would ever do that. My clinging to the past, so that no one could take it from me was much stronger than me. Now, however, I threw everything out with a calm heart. Not with anger, not with force, but with happy ease. They had to go already. Everything I’ve ever longed for is here, in my present. They helped me a lot to get to know myself, to see a path, but I also know that I won’t go that path again. I learned from it and I go ahead.

The past has influenced me sometimes, but I’m already trying to keep it under control and believe that I’m changing, too. I am no longer the one who I was ten or even twenty years ago. After all, I grew up, I studied, and I am constantly learning. I try to become more open and live the present. Consciously. Because I all that have is as much as you have:  our present. It doesn’t hurt for us to hide in a velvety warm blanket of nostalgia on a pleasant summer evening, but it shouldn’t get any closer. It doesn’t matter if it was cruel or just wonderful, because that past is no longer with us. We’re just here. Let us experience the beauty of every day that dawns on us again.

Do nothing

We dream of doing nothing that will gain upon us in another country where we know no one, and we can throw away the eternal and heavy burden of expectations. We imagine us walking on the beach in the waves crashing ashore at sunset, holding hands with the love of our lives. We imagine waking up in a log house in the middle of the forest on the shores of a fabulous little lake in the embrace of snow-white, caressing bedding, and on the terrace absorbing the fragrant mountain air deeply, we promise that now we will really live differently.

Yet nothing changes. There is only work at home. We work around the clock. We don’t even have to be there; it goes in our head. Thoughts spin, we are full of to-do lists, and we are horrified that it is as if we are not going anywhere at all. We stand still and are terribly ashamed to do anything. That’s really from the devil. We don’t devote time to something that clearly distinguishes a vacation from an ordinary weekday. We don’t allow ourselves to break out of that consuming daily routine, because we’re used to it, and then we certainly have to do it, there’s no fairy tales, we have to deal with it. You can have so good conversations at home too! We must decide that this has a place in our lives because it is completely nonsense to only drain that battery and never charge it. So, what makes a vacation different? No forced cleaning, no garden work, no emails, calls, messages, we turn off. Why not turn it off at home? Who says take your work home? Leave it there at work, there is a place for it. Sure, everyone does his or her job differently, but I do see many times that it’s not the job that clings to the person, but the other way around. If we want to make up for something in our lives, then the most obvious solution is to hide behind work and say you must, that’s it. But that only gets us further away from finding ourselves in that dense forest.

We don’t like to relax because they’ll condemn you. Even if no one knows about it, then we will condemn ourselves for it, because it is a perfectly anti-life behavior. He who does nothing is lazy, it will not become anything, it will not lead to anything. Is this true? There are so tortured gray faces running around the world that they could even be robots. Would that be right? Is this the way to live? Self-whipping, perfectionism. The morning routine starts, rush, the morning goes by without noticing it, should eat something, probably later, still have something to do, and so we run until late at night, when we still don’t want to let ourselves rest. Believe me, I live this too. Sometimes I would need to do so many things at once that I don’t even feel like starting.

And I never praise myself like wow, you did it skillfully, and I rarely get the reward of sitting down and doing nothing. Or to do what I really like because I think about how many things could still be done at that time. It’s the certain point when I simply must stop and ask if I really need to put in another wash, clean the kitchen cabinet doors, or rather turn a little bit inward. There’s a rumble in my ear that I could do everything better, that I could do a lot more, and sometimes I would have to slap myself up and I’m not even exaggerating. Why do I overwork myself so much then, since I already know that it will hit me back if I just take advantage of this body? I understand the truly valuable things in life are certainly not born of these activities.

It cannot be voiced enough. Joy, peace, placidity requires awareness. We need that hug and it should be long. Why does kiss medicine work for children? Because they still know, feel what power love has. Well, you can’t find that while you’re doing the dishes. Don’t be ashamed of yourself if you feel you need a little time when you’re doing something you enjoy, it’s quite human. It is not a sin, in fact give it to yourself, demand it, because you gain more with it than with any other activity. And how interesting that most of us feel the flow while doing arts or sports because it’s natural. Run, hike, swim, bicycle, and turn up the volume. Let the music energize you! Dance, sing, draw, paint, throw your thoughts on paper, make music out loud, and immerse yourself in the feeling. You didn’t get your talent to put it in the corner saying you can’t make a living from it. Look deeply for what motivates you, what you are always happy to do and don’t let it disappear into the maze of everyday life.

Have a holiday in your soul every day and be grateful for it, thank yourself for giving a chance because you are doing it for a more balanced life. Eat good, don’t worry so much about cleaning, the job, the things to do, and most of all, don’t rush. Read, relax, enjoy your life! Play, laugh, love, and let that feeling come close. When I went very deep in my life, I also vowed, of course, it doesn’t always go so well. I wondered if I would really want to remember that, if I was worth it, to be able to remember it at all. When I will sum up my life, do I really want to see how clean the house was and how much I rushed to get ahead, to meet others expectations, while many valuable, wonderful years, my youth, passed me by with no content at all? No. That’s not what I want to see. So, I’m creating the world I want to live in, and I’m writing its pages full of stories that I’ll be happy to read back, even if I have to face difficulties sometimes. It will be about love, being together, understanding, great conversations, playing, gratitude and joy. I accept that everything changes, and yet in this perpetual change, I will always strive for balance. Because it’s my decision. You can decide that too. I fill my thoughts with a lot of positive energy, and it flows from my words, I pass that on with my actions. Is it difficult? Yep! But it’s worth doing.

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